For a man who’s made it his business to know when your groceries will show up, what you’re reading, what you’re watching, and possibly even what you’re thinking, Jeff Bezos still has one glaring shortfall in his quest for total control: the weather. And God, it seems, decided to remind him of that — right in the middle of his $50 million wedding weekend in Venice, Italy.
Bezos, who is still worth more than $200 billion despite one of the most expensive divorces in history (a cool $38 billion to his first wife, thanks to, let’s say, “extracurricular communication” with his now-wife Lauren Sánchez), recently tried to pull off the wedding of the century. Lavish parties, designer dresses, a Renaissance church — the kind of thing you’d expect from a man whose idea of subtlety is launching himself into space in a rocket shaped like a Freudian slip.
The guest list read like the seating chart at a Hollywood reboot pitch meeting: Tom Brady, Oprah Winfrey, Leonardo DiCaprio, Orlando Bloom, Usher, and, of course, the Kardashians — because nothing screams spiritual union like a reality show entourage. Sánchez wore a custom off-the-shoulder Schiaparelli number that probably required its own aircraft hanger to transport. They ferried around Venice in water taxis, no doubt praying someone was around to capture the perfect Instagram angle.
But then came the thunderstorm.
As Page Six reported, the welcome party at the Madonna dell’Orto — a centuries-old church complex — was cut short when Mother Nature crashed the Bezos bash. Guests were seen scrambling for cover, dresses were drenched, and the bride had to flee the scene under umbrellas held by staff who likely don’t make in a year what the bridal dress cost.
Even Kim and Khloé Kardashian had to make a soggy exit, as did Kris, Kendall, and Kylie Jenner. For a crowd that’s usually protected by filters, publicists, and paparazzi lighting crews, it must have been a real downer to interact with actual weather.
But here’s the irony: Bezos, the self-styled master of the modern world, was no match for a summer squall. One witness offered the obvious lesson: “It just goes to show you can have all the money in the world but you can’t control the weather.” Indeed.
There’s an old Italian saying that a wet bride is a lucky one — but whether Sánchez got luck or just a soggy updo is anyone’s guess. What’s more certain is that her husband is one of the planet’s most enthusiastic climate-change scolds.
Bezos has invested heavily in green causes. He backed the energy lobbying group that pushed for the so-called “Inflation Reduction Act” — a bill with as much connection to inflation reduction as a Waffle House menu has to healthy eating. Let’s be real: it was the Green New Deal wearing khakis and trying not to look radical.
Bezos, of course, remains a poster child for carbon hypocrisy. The man hops in his $65 million Gulfstream like the rest of us get in an Uber, attending climate summits where he lectures the world on emissions while burning through jet fuel like it’s Monster Energy. There’s no indication the wedding in Venice featured plant-based lab meat, either — though he’s certainly advocated for that to replace the real thing for the rest of us. Because nothing says “save the planet” like you eating 3D-printed cricket paste while he’s carving into aged Wagyu on a rented Venetian island.
It’s hard not to see some cosmic humor in the whole thing. Bezos can buy headlines, elections, spaceflights, and most of the media — but he can’t outbid the Almighty. The Book of Lamentations puts it bluntly: “Who has spoken and it came to pass, unless the Lord has commanded it?” Money can move markets and launch satellites, but it won’t cancel a thundercloud.
That should be a comforting thought for the rest of us — the ones who don’t get to crash weddings with Oprah and DiCaprio, but who still recognize that even the richest man on earth has to duck for cover when the skies open up.
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